
Fear Inside the Market and Elsewhere
The year was 1993. I had refused to leave the house. I’d get halfway down the street and the world would morph into a distorted drawing: harsh, yellow light steamrolling the cars into toys, then into television screens. My alarum was filthy. Adrenaline manipulated the air from my lungs. I’d bellowed tremendously, aimlessly, pounding the skin off my fists and into brick walls.
I missed everything including Halloweens. Tonight, maybe, I can muster up the—I mean, scarier things have happened…
When I think of how it started, those attacks of acute illusoriness, I think of that market. It’s where I first went mad. I was 12, sucking cherry soda through a straw, breathing panickily under those fluorescent lights. The walls suddenly unfastened and liquefied my sister’s face onto the floor. I knew at that moment all my marbles had been lost. Perhaps I was born mad, perhaps my existence is still something I’m unsure of. The croaker who saw me after I situated myself, shoeless, in his office didn’t exist either – another unreality seesawing at my ear.
To go outside, I cloaked every situation in mental soothings. I projected a kind and understanding father onto the expressions of strangers. Now they’d surely be ready to love me back to right-mindedness. But the bicycles, they became twisted. And young mothers…they had faces like meat hooks, appearing sharp and potentially ruthless in an instinct to protect their children. I couldn’t risk asking them for help. Instead, I pretended to be my own father, pacifying my brain with parentese: “You’re o-o-kay, you’re o-o-kay”.
But it wasn’t, and it still isn’t.
“The next time you’re about to act out of fear, ask yourself if the negative feelings you’re experiencing are calling the shots.” Dr. Branson muttered. Easy for him to say… I sit again this Halloween night in costume, alone. The ghosts and goblins don’t scare me, it’s the unknown, it holds the power. The shots have once again been called by fear. And as far as safety goes, I’m uncertain it can be found anywhere.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleSuper story Melissa, and holds a real ring of truth to it. Your descriptions really pull you into the story. Do you mind me asking if you have experience with people suffering from mental health problems. You write with such conviction. Very well done.
Thanks for your comment, Carrie.Yes, I do have experience with people suffering from mental health problems. Years ago I befriended a person on one of those “chat room” sites- they suffered from agoraphobia. I think I may have very loosely based this story on that. It is a hard thing to conquer!
Wow Melissa, this story really portrays a primordial level of fear. You’ve done a superb job of pulling us into the terrifying world of your protagonist. Your story is worthy of Edgar Allan Poe!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleI was hit for six over your words, Julie. And if today was all I had left, this would certainly go down as the best comment ever given! I’m glad you liked the story, it means so much to me.
A great, terrifying story, Melissa. I think you captured the horrific impact of hallucinations (or are they? lol) incredibly well. Reminded me of someone with untreated schizophrenia (years ago – had some professional contact).
Thanks for your comment, Paul. And they are definitely hallucinations! Folks that deal with agoraphobia can often have hallucinations during intense bouts of anxiety. It has to be terribly frightening to deal with! ? Schizophrenia is something I know a few things about, as well. Our mind has the ability to be both frightening and beautiful- makes a good story!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleA fascinating story, Melissa, accurately portraying a deep-rooted fear which must be totally debilitating. Thanks for approaching a difficult subject with grace and compassion.
Thanks for your comment, Fuji. One in four people battle mental health issues. And we all have the right to compassion, support and understanding. I appreciate your words!
Wow. My two hands clapped, Melissa. You write a super scary story that really makes me impressed. You described it so well that creates extreme fear in my mind. Well done.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleThanks for your comment Lotchie. I tend to lean towards psychological thrillers in my Novellas. So, this comment means so much to me. I’m glad you liked it!
It is a real scary story, Melissa. The inner world of the protagonist is skilfully portrayed to create the frightening atmosphere. Well done!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleThanks so much once again, Dipayan. Support means a lot!
You’re welcome.
A very powerful story, Melissa. You are portraying a young person’s emotional problems in a very skillful way and your language is impressive. There are a lot of expressions that I love, for example, “…they’d surely be ready to love me back to right-mindedness.”
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleThanks for your comment and your continuing support, Christer. I’m glad you enjoyed the story.
Wonderful story, Melissa. Mental illness can be so difficult to understand for those suffering, and those who want to help. I was fortunate to spend a few years as a volunteer with an outpatients program for people who suffered various kinds of illness. So many stories, and difficulties most of us never have to deal with. You story echoed those stories and is beautifully empathetic. Once hidden, every story such as this… Read more »
Thank for you comment , Sandra. Mental illness is an important subject to me. I wish more people would be empathetic and take the time to understand, or educate themselves about it . One in four people deal with mental illness. Myself, I have dealt with depression and PTSD for years. And for transparency sake I share this! It is time to normalize the talking of it, in my honest opinion. I… Read more »
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