The year was 1993.  I had refused to leave the house. I’d get halfway down the street and the world would morph into a distorted drawing: harsh, yellow light steamrolling the cars into toys, then into television screens. My ­alarum was ­filthy. Adrenaline manipulated the air from my lungs. I’d bellowed tremendously, aimlessly, pounding the skin off my fists and into brick walls.

I missed everything including Halloweens. Tonight, maybe, I can muster up the—I mean, scarier things have happened…

When I think of how it started, those attacks of acute illusoriness, I think of that market. It’s where I first went mad. I was 12, sucking cherry soda through a straw, breathing panickily under those fluorescent lights. The walls suddenly unfastened and liquefied my sister’s face onto the floor. I knew at that moment all my marbles had been lost. Perhaps I was born mad, perhaps my existence is still something I’m unsure of. The croaker who saw me after I situated myself, shoeless, in his office didn’t exist either – another unreality seesawing at my ear.

To go outside, I cloaked every situation in mental soothings. I projected a kind and understanding father onto the expressions of strangers. Now they’d surely be ready to love me back to right-mindedness. But the bicycles, they became twisted. And young mothers…they had faces like meat hooks, appearing sharp and potentially ruthless in an instinct to protect their children. I couldn’t risk asking them for help. Instead, I pretended to be my own father, pacifying my brain with parentese: “You’re o-o-kay, you’re o-o-kay”.

But it wasn’t, and it still isn’t.

“The next time you’re about to act out of fear, ask yourself if the negative feelings you’re experiencing are calling the shots.” Dr. Branson muttered. Easy for him to say… I sit again this Halloween night in costume, alone. The ghosts and goblins don’t scare me, it’s the unknown, it holds the power. The shots have once again been called by fear. And as far as safety goes, I’m uncertain it can be found anywhere.

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    Carrie OLeary
    Carrie OLeary(@carrie-oleary)
    1 year ago

    Super story Melissa, and holds a real ring of truth to it. Your descriptions really pull you into the story. Do you mind me asking if you have experience with people suffering from mental health problems. You write with such conviction. Very well done.

    Julie Harris
    Julie Harris(@julie-harris)
    1 year ago

    Wow Melissa, this story really portrays a primordial level of fear. You’ve done a superb job of pulling us into the terrifying world of your protagonist. Your story is worthy of Edgar Allan Poe!

    Paul Lewthwaite
    Paul Lewthwaite(@paul-lewthwaite)
    1 year ago

    A great, terrifying story, Melissa. I think you captured the horrific impact of hallucinations (or are they? lol) incredibly well. Reminded me of someone with untreated schizophrenia (years ago – had some professional contact).

    Fuji
    Fuji(@fuji)
    1 year ago

    A fascinating story, Melissa, accurately portraying a deep-rooted fear which must be totally debilitating. Thanks for approaching a difficult subject with grace and compassion.

    Lotchie Carmelo
    Lotchie Carmelo(@lotchie-carmelo)
    1 year ago

    Wow. My two hands clapped, Melissa. You write a super scary story that really makes me impressed. You described it so well that creates extreme fear in my mind. Well done.

    Lotchie Carmelo
    Lotchie Carmelo(@lotchie-carmelo)
    Reply to  Melissa Taggart
    1 year ago

    Dipayan Chakrabarti
    Dipayan Chakrabarti(@dipayan-chakrabarti)
    1 year ago

    It is a real scary story, Melissa. The inner world of the protagonist is skilfully portrayed to create the frightening atmosphere. Well done!

    Dipayan Chakrabarti
    Dipayan Chakrabarti(@dipayan-chakrabarti)
    Reply to  Melissa Taggart
    1 year ago

    You’re welcome.

    Christer Norrlof
    Christer Norrlof(@christer-norrlof)
    1 year ago

    A very powerful story, Melissa. You are portraying a young person’s emotional problems in a very skillful way and your language is impressive. There are a lot of expressions that I love, for example, “…they’d surely be ready to love me back to right-mindedness.”

    Sandra James
    Sandra James(@sandra-james)
    1 year ago

    Wonderful story, Melissa. Mental illness can be so difficult to understand for those suffering, and those who want to help. I was fortunate to spend a few years as a volunteer with an outpatients program for people who suffered various kinds of illness. So many stories, and difficulties most of us never have to deal with. You story echoed those stories and is beautifully empathetic. Once hidden, every story such as this… Read more »

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