Jenny and Josh, Changing
Jenny slammed the suitcase shut, staring at the empty key hook.
“Wanna see something gorgeous?” Eager.
“No! Where are my keys?” Furious.
“We decided – no more cars.” Calm.
“You decided. Blast that dreamy-eyed Bike for a Green World group. No job, no car? OK – no wife.” Adamant.
“Careful, it’s not quite dry.” Inviting.
Jenny stared at the canvas. The joyful blend of colors, the bicycle shadow. “Oh Josh!” Softening.
“The new BGW campaign. Painting a powerful message. We’re gonna save the planet, Jen. Oh and here’s my first paycheck as Marketing Manager.” Convincing.
“That’s gorgeous, all right!” Laughing. Crying.
Unpacking.
Comments without a personalized avatar will not be published.
To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleMuch going on: rhythm, display of convincing vernacular, domestic comedy, stations of the marital cross. “Bicycle shadow” is good; so too “That’s gorgeous, all right,” ambiguously applicable to the painting and/or check.
It takes a few readings to visualize the situation and follow the discussion. There are many interesting mood swings and good points, symbolized by the many radiant colors in the photo. Is it really a painting or a photo? Good writing, Juma!
Hello Christer. I was trying something new in this story – one-word descriptors instead of “he said, she said”. I’m not so sure it worked, but maybe I’ll work more on perfecting that technique. I like to think the picture is a painting, although it might be a photo! I wanted Josh to be a dreamy artistic type, a painter, so there you are.
Comments without a personalized avatar will not be published.
To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleHello, Juma. Your story is extraordinary. It is packed with different moods and emotions which is very effective that makes your story very engaging and captivating. Well done.
Thank you so much, Lotchie. I hope the story makes sense!
You are welcome, Juma. You did it great.
Comments without a personalized avatar will not be published.
To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleSo, Juma will your characters be backing Bike for a Green World? Or are they corrupted by pay cheques?
Hello Margarida. Josh is totally committed to Bike for a Green World, and he will convince Jenny over time. Being able to put food on the table and pay the bills goes a long way toward staying true to a cause. Paychecks don’t always corrupt! Since he can use his art to make a living now, and help spread the word about simple living to help the planet, he’s a very happy… Read more »
Juna, I had to read your story a second time and I followed it much better. I really liked what you did, not using “he said”, “she said”. It is great how their emotions towards each other change and how Josh stayed hopeful to the end.
Comments without a personalized avatar will not be published.
To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with Google