Jenny slammed the suitcase shut, staring at the empty key hook.

“Wanna see something gorgeous?” Eager.

“No! Where are my keys?” Furious.

“We decided – no more cars.” Calm.

You decided. Blast that dreamy-eyed Bike for a Green World group. No job, no car? OK – no wife.” Adamant.

“Careful, it’s not quite dry.” Inviting.

Jenny stared at the canvas. The joyful blend of colors, the bicycle shadow. “Oh Josh!” Softening.

“The new BGW campaign. Painting a powerful message. We’re gonna save the planet, Jen. Oh and here’s my first paycheck as Marketing Manager.” Convincing.

“That’s gorgeous, all right!” Laughing. Crying.

Unpacking.

 
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Voice-Team
Voice-Team(@voice-team)
Admin
5 months ago

Much going on: rhythm, display of convincing vernacular, domestic comedy, stations of the marital cross. “Bicycle shadow” is good; so too “That’s gorgeous, all right,” ambiguously applicable to the painting and/or check. 

Christer Norrlof
Christer Norrlof(@christer-norrlof)
6 months ago

It takes a few readings to visualize the situation and follow the discussion. There are many interesting mood swings and good points, symbolized by the many radiant colors in the photo. Is it really a painting or a photo? Good writing, Juma!

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Lotchie Carmelo
Lotchie Carmelo(@lotchie-carmelo)
6 months ago

Hello, Juma. Your story is extraordinary. It is packed with different moods and emotions which is very effective that makes your story very engaging and captivating. Well done. 

Lotchie Carmelo
Lotchie Carmelo(@lotchie-carmelo)
Reply to  Juma
5 months ago

You are welcome, Juma. You did it great.

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Margarida Brei
Margarida Brei(@margarida-brei)
6 months ago

So, Juma will your characters be backing Bike for a Green World? Or are they corrupted by pay cheques?

Marianna Pieterse
Marianna Pieterse(@marianna-pieterse)
5 months ago

Juna, I had to read your story a second time and I followed it much better. I really liked what you did, not using “he said”, “she said”. It is great how their emotions towards each other change and how Josh stayed hopeful to the end.

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