Ted’s Tale- Rabbit in Lockdown

Humans are stupid. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but this fact does bear repeating in light of recent events. The taller, uglier human has taken to waving tiny bits of wood under my nose and saying, “Does the bunny want a stick then? Does Teddy want a lovely stick to nibble on?” No, idiot. No I do not want to nibble on a twig, because you have already provided me with a perfectly good coffee table to gnaw on; why would I downgrade? If you didn’t want me to eat the furniture then why would you have made it so delicious? The humans seem to be hanging around far more than usual at the minute, which is wearing on my nerves. Don’t they have jobs to go to? I know they’re teachers but surely it can’t still be the holidays.

This growing tension reminds me of the Christmas card incident. Last year, long after any sane people would have tidied away their Christmas cards, the humans had left a particularly large and tasty looking one on the aforementioned coffee table. I spent a very pleasant couple of hours one evening, whilst they were out, munching my way through this glitter covered delight. I hid the remains in one of my boxes for later.

The next morning, I was appalled to be called a “very naughty rabbit.” How could they have known it was me? Anyone could have eaten that card. They each had no way of knowing that it hadn’t been the other one of them, yet they just assumed it was me- blind prejudice! Speciesism! I was feeling very aggrieved until I noticed the key piece of evidence that had been my undoing- I was doing glittery poos.

Anyway, I have had just about enough of their attitude towards things left in my room. I spent the remainder of today scent marking every single item in here so there can be no dispute about whom it belongs to. I shall not be told off again, for I am in the right; I am in charge; I am Ted.