On Broken Ground
The shooter eyed his mark.
Shut out the chaos.
Devoted attention.
Prostrate on broken concrete, he meticulously assessed the target.
His index finger and thumb twitched with anticipation.
Onlookers stood motionless.
He shot but missed. Pained exclamation between his teeth.
Others knew the stakes became perilously high.
Another youngster, hands deep in his pockets caressing his loved possession, lined up to take his turn. Tangible concentration.
On his haunches, he flicked his prized Blue-Eyed marble knocking several out of the circle.
On the playground, jubilantly, he rattled Onion Skin, End of Day, Opaque and Mica marbles lovingly in his hands.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleWonderfully crafted story! The terse writing leads reader into a soldier’s or hunter’s mind. All the signs are there – the tension, the uncertainty, then the revelation: a simple game of marbles! Would that all thoughts of violence turn to child’s play and laughter. Quite enjoyable.
Oh, I feel so honoured! Thank you for all the wonderful comments Voice Team; I am now on Cloud Nine.
I really liked this Margarida! The way it became something so different to what I’d first anticipated, and so smoothly too! Well written, and great tension!
A note for Voice.club — for some reason the banner at the top says this is under the “secret wish” competition!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleThanks for your sharp eyes, Emily. Fixed!
No problem at all!
Thank you Emily, for your kind comments. My simple laconic sentences tried to capture both tenseness and the innocence of childhood. Glad I succeeded in leading the reader in another direction to what was really happening.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleHello, Margarida. Great writing and nice build-up of tension. Well done.
Thank you, Lotchie for your kind comments. Hope I succeeded in building up readers’ expectations around something far from what was happening.
You are welcome, Margarida.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleI agree with Emily that you managed to lead the reader in one direction, Margarida, only to surprise us at the end of the story. Very well done!
The names given to the marbles remind me when my son introduced me to all his marble-friends. It was an unknown world to me!
Thank you, Christer for reading my micro fiction. My mind was hazy on the game of marbles, so I had to research this old time game. What endearing names antique marbles have in Onion Skin and Opaque! Glad I was able to recall some of your fond memories concerning marbles. Both your son and the youngster in my story regard marbles as “friends.”
You certainly had me fooled with this story, Margarida! Very cleverly done and a really imaginative take on the prompt! Love that the marbles all had individual, colour-related, names, something I have learned! Excellent!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleThank you, Linda for your kind comments. I tried to build up an expectation in the reader that guns were being used, but then cunningly referred to marbles being shot.
I really like this story, Margarida. So well written I felt I was standing there watching the challenge. It brings back so many childhood memories of my late brother playing marbles. A wonderful interpretation of the prompt. And, coincidently, I prepared a prompt sheet for my writing group earlier in the week using ‘marbles’ as the topic 🙂
Oh, we are both being inspired by marbles. Sandra, so happy to immerse you in my story and bring some wholesome memories flooding back to you.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleSuper story, Margarida. I loved the way you smoothly changed the whole feel of the story, convincing the reader at the beginning that there is murder afoot. Very nicely done
Yes, indeed Carrie, I did lead the reader up the garden path. Such fun to be tricky! Thank you for your feedback.
Congratulations, Margarida! A well-deserved win for a talented writer!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleCongratulations Margarida! Your story was one of my favourites, a well-deserved win!
Very clever! and well done
Congratulations, Margarida, to the success with your wonderful story!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleThank you all for your congratulations, Melissa, Linda, Susan and Christer. I feel really honoured to win the Grand Prize for this drabble.
Margarida, you captured the essence of suspense in a few lines exceptionally. As I read the story, the character portrayed remarkable precision in his feat. Kudos to you.
Thank you, Shobana for your kind words. Sometimes our characters have the wonderful ability to surprise us.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleWell done, Margarida! Enjoy your well-deserved time up there on Cloud Nine. A wonderful story and I’m thrilled for you ?
Thank you for your kindness, Sandra. I try really hard to write a meaningful or powerful story.
Margarida, congratulations!! This story was amazing! I really enjoyed reading it! Congrats on your big win! ?
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleThank you, Heather for your kind heartfelt comments.
Wow! Congratulations, Margarida. I am so much happy for your achievement.
You are always so kind, Lotchie. Thank you!
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleYou’re welcome, Margarida. How’s the celebration of your win?
I am still on Cloud Nine, but realise to be a good writer, one must continue writing. So I have just emailed off ten drabble on Halloween.
Wow!
That’s exciting, Margarida. Good luck.
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To Leave Comments - Please SignIn with GoogleWell, I sent ten Halloween drabble on Sunday, and one was accepted by Wednesday! So proud!