My Ovaries Last Waltz

I always found comfortableness in predictability. My life has ad nauseum moved to the beats of my drum. Summer swimming schedules, day planners, and charts…too many. I thought I needed that to keep my day-to-day existence in apple-pie order. These things were all veracious until last week. Now those homespun pieces of paper are no longer serviceable because of this thing—it isn’t something that gets pencilled into any chart.

I sat down at my kitchen table; my husband was concerned. His cup of tea long ago grew cold awaiting my arrival. He looked at me softly smiling, gingerly placed his hands on mine and said, “It will be all right Kayla, we have other options…”

“Marshall, I wanted to have a baby. It’s what we planned, and now… they want to take my ovaries.” My eyes fixed on the quiet surface of my husband’s tea, now covered in a thin, immovable film.

“When I asked you to marry me, I also had plans for us.” His loving tone quickly summoned all my attention. My eyes focused on his. “I planned on spending my life with you, and always having you by my side.”

Having a strong family history of ovarian cancer, I tested positive for BCRA gene changes. That meant that both my ovaries and fallopian tubes needed to be removed. This is something I never thought to plan for. But cancer was also something I was unwilling to accommodate in my life.

Life is just one thing to crave. There are so many small things tucked within the wrapped-up box. Like summer, how it now soothes my senses—and my soul. I am happy for those momentary kips under the sycamore tree. The sun finds its way through the many leaves, kissing my face. I’m grateful for having Marshall by my side. With him, we’ll waltz through this bump in the road, I’ll continue living my life. Even if it looks different this time. This solstice will be one without the ovaries. I’m just thankful I’m here to enjoy it.